The last time that i spent one entire week in camp was, in fact, that one week in 1SIR.

Since then, there has been outfield training every week, and there's more next week. Every week ends with a NDP rehearsal on saturday, and there're times we'd have to book in on sunday night and go outfield on monday. Those less-than-24hr book outs are so treasured - trying to recover from all the muscle and shoulder ache and whole body ache, or just enjoying spending time disconnected, alone by myself.

My mother asked me if my training is less shiong nowadays. She commented with regard to the deaths of the 2 NSFs. I didn't really reply her. If i did, i would tell her that it just got tougher, but then again, i just felt it wasn't necessary.

In one of the offence missions, 2 of the men in my company collapsed en route to our objective while we were still deep in the forested area in the mandai area. They were unconscious for awhile, and one even stopped breathing. We've been walking for hours through the night...the load is unbearable for the speed we were walking - but we had to accomodate the weaker ones.

The medics were quick to revive them, and kept talking to them to keep them awake and breathing.

The 2 who collapsed weren't from my platoon but from the ones in front of us. There were voices calling for volunteers for a stretcher party. No one moved. The pleas were continuous, and finally a few moved forward. I wanted to go, but my platoon sgt stopped me cos i had to take care of my own section. After deciding that my section is still doing fine, i brought a few of my better men in my section with me and joined the stretcher party.

We carried them 4km through vegetation to the main road from where we started. It took us hours. We carried them while still in FBO(full battle order) before deciding to dump our field packs and helmets halfway through becos the weight really was wearing us down.

The rest of the company carried on. We were then told to catch up with our company, who were about 6-7km away already.

The stretcher party was led by RSM himself, and we did catch up eventually.

Before i reached, another one collapsed, and this time it was from my platoon, and in fact, my section. It was only later that i heard that it was Fitra. I still recalled asking him if he was ok. I remember he looked at me and nodded. He was also evacuated and later sent to hospital. Still, we lumbered on. The mission started at 8pm. It really felt like a nightmare through the night...1am..2am...3am...i could doze off walking, even though my shoulders really felt the pain. It only ended next morning.

A lot of thoughts went through my mind. Thinking about who came up with this idea. Thinking about something encouraging. Thinking about what my men are thinking of. I saw my men refusing to pass their load to me. I saw their pride, although they were already crying from the pain. These men are, afterall, ordinary ppl...do they really deserve this kind of training? What drives them?

Some of the men couldn't stop complaining about being here. It doesn't mean they are weak - they're just more talkative. But these are the men that i need to look out for and get them to quieten down becos of morale issues. Usually i'd tell them to save their energy for walking. Although my thoughts echo their voices, talking negatively changes nothing - or in fact could make things worse, so we can do away with that.

Deep in the night in one of the tougher defence missions, i was digging. I have been digging since there had been sun. It also rained, killing morale, and making the mud soft yet sticky - harder to remove. I have been trying to dig a 2-man trench by myself after finishing a shellscrape.

Digging to me is really playing mind games with myself. Although its a physical thing, over time i see that ppl who are more positive will finish faster in the long run. The men are also digging their trenches - though, in pairs.

I've been going over to their locations now and then to pass them some gummies i've illegally brought to this field camp to boost their morale or talk to them, encourage them, and make sure that they're working and not sleeping.

But right now, at that point in time, i felt drained. Each subsequent cut into the mud took longer than the previous one, until the momentum was lost. I put my tools down and sat by the side of my trench. In fact i was feeling helpless. I remember feeling so lonely then. My friends had their own trenches to dig and their own men to take care of, and my men are not going to come over to encourage me. Im supposed to be stronger.

The night was cold with rainwater still dripping down on me but i was still sweating.

I really felt damn weak. The longer i sat, the weaker i became, as my heartbeat slowed down. Its time to be checking on my men again. I told myself. But i wouldn't move. My strength left me and i simply lost heart in the digging. Slowly, I dozed off.

Soon i was awakened by footsteps walking over dead wet leaves that gave off a crunching sound. I saw the dark silhouette figure of my platoon sgt. Instead of rushing to grab my entrenching tools, i actually decided to stay put and admit to him that im really tired. But how could i do that? I'd behaving like my men, and not like a commander.

He approached, and then he sat next to me and began to talk to me. I really thought he would reprimand me for slacking. It really moved me. I really needed that kind of encouragement from an adult figure at that point in time. Most of the time all i get from him is pressure and work. Soon, I was back to digging again.

I finally finished my trench before sunrise. I dug 3 shellscrapes and a 2-man trench myself for that mission to give my platoon more depth and protection from the rear and flanks as suggested by my PC(platoon comdr). My men also dug extra.

Somehow through all these missions our platoon have made a name for ourselves and given due recognition.

For the past 2 weeks we've been training outfield with armoured vehicles. That's definitely more sensible than always having to walk. Its the closest i've gotten to riding on a tank - something that i had wished i could try but didn't happen when i became an infantry spec. Its really a sight to see so many armour vehicles moving together 'live'...infantrymen like me only get to see them in those wayang army videos.

Riding on it really excites me. The sound of the roaring engine and the bumpy rides and the view from the hatch and the firing of the (relatively)big guns made it quite an experience.

There're times when we'd come back from outfield training on friday night and go for the NDP rehearsal the next morning.

I wonder if you know, but the NDP rehearsal is the easiest, though the longest, marching rehearsal i've been through in the army.

We're ferried to the marina area by bus in the late morning. Lunch is always some unhealthy fried western food by SFI(Singapore Food Industries) or KFC or Pizza Hut. Same goes for dinner. Whenever we're resting, there'll always be cookies and sponge cake from SFI that we indented and brought from camp. There'll always be Magnolia ice cream that comes in excess after lunch, so sometimes i'll take 2. My sweet tooth triumphs over my rational mind.

There'll sometimes be cold desserts that come in tupperware like qing teng, and an unbelievable amt of snacks from sponsors like wang wang and calbee and old chang kee. Then there's also free flow of Mr Bean and Milo.

In the afternoon we'd do one rehearsal, before a full-dress rehearsal in the evening. We've done a few shows so far and we were given tickets, which i in turn gave my parents to watch the first NE show. I don't have the tickets for the preview and the actual NDP.

I've lost count of the number of rehearsals we've done. 30 perhaps?

In 2 of the NE shows there were primary school kids. Now that i remember, when i was Primary 5, i attended one of the show/rehearsals in the National Stadium, although i can't remember anything else other than the goodie bag.

As we march out i can see the big screens beyond the stage. I've been trying to spot myself on the screen but its quite hard. Its certainly interesting to see my own contingent turning on the big screen and, when i take my eyes off the screen, right before my eyes.

The hardest thing to do in the parade is to do nothing at all. Apart from a few simple foot and rifle drills, most of the time is spent standing still, be it at attention or at ease. It would last for an hour.

The best part of being on the platform is the surround sound. And the bass sounds from the music will vibrate the platform beneath us. Once i thought the platform was swaying. The music is really nice. There's 4 songs sang in the 4 respective languages and i especially like the tamil one.

From where i stand, all i could see is white and red colour squares and really tiny flags that'll never keep still. My eyesight could be failing. Then there's ritz carlton to my half right and the marina mandarin to my half left. I tried straining my eyes and i could see the singapore flyer and esplanade as well. Basically on the parade im just doing bo-liao things...and talking to my friend discreetly to kill time. Most of the time the camera and all eyes are on the parade commander and the GOH contingents so it should be ok.

And do you remember the primary school kids i mentioned? In the first NE show attended mostly by adults, most of them took some time to stand up to the national anthem. But the children stood up almost instantaneously when the national anthem was played.

And the children sang so heartily. I could hear them so clearly from where i stood. It was really moving. How long has it been since i heard a national anthem like this...so real and so free and voluntarily. Probably when i was a kid like them? And then do you remember the times we were actually made to sing the national anthem loudly in secondary school and JC?

And with all the jets flying...the children are just exhilarated. Non-stop screaming and jumping. Haha! I tink the teachers are going to have a hard time controlling them when the children starts to get hyper active.

Its just a pity i've haven't seen the whole show. I probably won't get to see it until after the actual one.