...then i would have crossed the finishing line.

But its not just today that i did. Perhaps it was on Friday, when i (informally) handed over my equipment; my section stores, my section of men, and my duties, to my understudy of 4mths, although it didn't felt so great, maybe becos he wasn't up to standard.

Or perhaps it was on last Wednesday night, when i left the gates of my camp, and i just felt free, although the feeling didn't last; in less than a day, i felt lost - maybe because i suddenly had no direction in life, after sitting in front of either the computer or the TV.

Or perhaps i crossed the finishing line on the afternoon of the same Wednesday, when i boarded my transport back to camp after completing my last mission, knowing that i'll never have to walk long and enduring distances, and put on camo cream. I never got over the irk-ish feeling of putting camo cream - made of vegetable oil - on my face, although i'd always end up putting a lot of it. And i didn't like the smell of it.

Right now, im on leave until I ORD. In fact I could never clear finish all of it. I just stayed around until i realised i could have started clearing my leave earlier.

Anyway... regarding the lost feeling, I really should share abit more of how i felt on Thursday, the day after i 'pang kang', as my army friends would call it.

I woke up in the morning and i had no clue of what to do.

I felt that i switched on my computer out of instict rather than interest. Its like the only interactive device around. Maybe if i had a soft toy that would squeal when i push the 'press me' button, i would be playing with it.

You'll never know.

I never planned anything for Thursday: it wasn't a special day off from my camp that i had looked forward to, and back in camp, you don't plan to do things. Things are planned for you. I tink its a fair statement.

If it was a weekend, i'd buy something that i missed during the weekdays in camp where the food is really bad. It could be anything simple. Like ban mian. I skipped lunch on Thursday.

It wasn't well spent. But then i tell myself its good that i actually bother regretting my day - becos it does mean that Time matters to me, and I want to spend it meaningfully.

I did take a look at what i've wrote all this while in army, and i kinda realised that i haven't been sharing a lot, and whenever i did, it seemed to sound dull and bleak most of the time.

And I didn't share much about my civilian life.

You know - i should have shared much more.

A lot of times i find myself deleting entire paragraphs. Or maybe i'd stare at the screen for 5mins, and then type a 'then', then think another 5mins, and backspace, and add a fullstop.

Sometimes, i censor myself.

Sometimes, it would go: "So I had a great week..." and then i would backspace everything again because its a Sunday, and im 5hrs to my book in timing, and I just can't psyche myself up enough to say something positive. I'd end up typing about how i feel. Just hours before booking in.

Truth is: there have been times army was fun. Maybe one of these days i'd note down my whole army experience while i could still recall them, and maybe i'd look back and laugh at myself one day.

Army was not all bad - I'd never lie. I'd love to joke about all the ridiculous things i've experienced, but there's a part of me that knows i had fun, and i've learnt things. And i know that i've more or less had some positive influence of a number of lost souls. I've had men who were constantly thinking of suicide, and one who wanted to play maplestory for a career, then die at the age of 30, and a handful who were very willing to inflict injuries of themselves to get long term Att C, a status that certifies one 'unfit for duty' - just like taking MC.

Some will come to me. I'd talk them out of it. These people - they'll do anything to get out of camp. To miss trainings and outfields when the going gets tough.

Argh. I feel that my mind is suddenly very much occupied. Its complicated. Life is not easy. These men - they have issues. Some used to be drug addicts. Some used to be gangsters. Some still are. Most have broken families. A few already have wives and kids. Most of them have financial issues. Most of them have low qualifications, although I absolutely, strongly believe that, if they were given a chance, or if hadn't made a wrong step in their youths, they'd do better than me. I know their stories.

I kind of...can't let it go. They share their problems with me, i kinda imagined that i have a stake in them. But whenever i think of my men's issues, i'd find it overwhelming.

If i never had my men, i'd never know. Its starting to sound weird but i don't think im going to backspace anymore. I just wanted to say, like a sidenote, that a lot of people don't know how fortunate they are. But what meaning is there, if you just told this to someone who doesn't know? You need to see to believe. If you know you're fortunate, maybe you'll feel contented easier. Then maybe you'd have less of the worldly worries. And sometimes i need to remind myself also. That im fortunate.

Ok its 5.50 in the morning i should go to sleep. Thinking of my men's problems occupied too much of my brain. Made me feel tired. I need to let it go, before i can think about it again.