well im not sure if grim's the right adjective to use here but im sure feeling down and that was the first word that came to my mind.

im done with my exams, i felt that i didn't do so well but that's ok, because i neither have to live with the guilt of not studying enough nor suffer from prolonged recollections of regret when i make absolutely nerve wrecking careless mistakes. both of which happened in the previous two semesters.

and i don't suffer from the former not because i've been more hardworking, but because this sem's papers didn't seem to reward hardworking students. i kinda think that the profs took our hardworkingness for granted and decide to go out of the norm. which kind of benefits lazy students like me.

and...yes. its 3.30am now and im not up because im playing starcraft 2 or doing anything productive. im really doing nothing. just wandering around in youtube. and somehow i found my way back here. i don't really like nights. its dark, its cold, its lonely. i can't mess around with my guitar or piano like i do in the daytime. in fact i've been doing too much music lately to fill my empty days that i really bruised my fingers and that makes things worse because i can't enjoy playing the guitar right now. it actually hurts quite a bit to type these.

well i never mentioned i was into these instruments before but its not really worth mentioning anyway, since im really just a casual player though i take piano lessons once a week. nothing really interesting going on other than self-entertainment through daily doses of mandarin pop songs.

so i stay up at night, i can't sleep, and i do nothing. really. or not. im still constantly thinking of death, dreams, consciousness. sanity. i actually made a breakthrough recently when i took control of my dreams - i remember vividly that in my dream i was beside a car with a few friends around me, and i suddenly claimed that 'i am dreaming, this can't be real' although i then went on to say that 'you all are dreaming too, remember i said that when you wake up', which was kind of weird because those people in my dream weren't dreaming: they were only the creation of my mind. in fact those people were my friends although i can't exactly remember who. but nevertheless it was a breakthrough.

i wanted to talk about it because usually in a dream when i realise that im dreaming, i would wake up or slowly gain consciouness in moments to come, but in that particular dream, i managed to prolong the dream despite me realising it was a dream. i seriously wonder if i can control my dreams one day. if that is possible, it would be miraculous. i could do my homework in my dream, for example.

and...yeah what was i saying. having this negative feeling at night. and thinking about death. i think of death almost all the time when im alone at night. it kind of scares me sometimes, and i can't help it - it feels as though the thought almost invades me. the thought of death that occupies me consists of a few 'items': thinking about a situation where i could potentially face death, thinking about the darkness that comes after death, or what actually comes after death, and the fear of death itself.

if its not death, my thought would drift towards consciousness, time travel, wormholes, fatalism.

In better days i would be thinking about the possibility of perfect competition of certain goods, like music for example, and the possibility of a generation of people dedicating all its resources to itself without investing in the future, like diverting the resources from R&D to mass producing vaccines, aid and relief to third world countries, consumption goods, whether luxury or necessities. and thinking about rational ignorance. well its mostly...fantasising about economics.

sometimes, its probably ok if im just talking to myself. because really, i don't think its a good idea for others to think that im more complicated that what i seem to be because of what i am thinking about. on one hand i don't want people to know that there's a part of me that lives in a very dark place sometimes, and on the other i don't want to bring others in to this dark place either because my thoughts can change my mood and its mostly been depressing. well if you read all these you probably are curious enough to find out more about me which is kinda cool but rest assured that im fine.

i paused for a while and i just got that feeling that i'll regret typing all these nonsense. im not going to delete it nevertheless. i think im becoming weird. this entry shall end.