recently, i've found myself having extreme difficulties focusing. its almost like i have some sort of attention deficit disorder. maybe it's because i have not subjected myself to the right amount of stress i should be facing as a student. come to think of it, i've never really treated my life as a university student very seriously.

last night, i forced myself to stay in the library to study for a module that I have no idea what is going on. just minutes into looking at the textbook, (do note, the word here is looking at, rather than reading) my mind started wandering away...slowly, systematically, and i fell asleep. i do remember exactly what i had thought about before i went to la-la land.

for slightly less than 2hrs.

book...what am i here for?...why am i...reading this?...what happens if i understand every single word in this book...so what if i can...replicate everything that is written here...get A+ in the exam...its just one module...but i could have a decent honours...better career perhaps...maybe get a higher pay...happiness...will i be happier?...

when i woke up, guilt overwhelmed me and i started looking at the book again, trying to understand what's going on, but even then i'd admit that i was very inefficient, because i need the sense of urgency to get myself going, and that kind of urgency only arrives days before a major test starts.

recently i have not been thinking about Life and Death anymore. for some reason, a book titled The Lost Symbol satisfied my curiosity, even though its fiction. at least for now. instead, i've been thinking about Happiness. problem is, thinking about Happiness doesn't make me happy. it makes me think of...thinking.

why isn't there...Happinomics? Happilogy? and its not a rhetorical question. im asking, really, why isn't there such a study? isn't it the most important subject...?

the answer from the man on the street is probably: dude, everyone obviously knows how to be happy. nobody has to teach that.

but...don't everyone knows how to spend their money either? so why is there...economics? i always insist to other people, and my counterparts agree, that economics is just common sense made complicated.

in fact, Happinomics would probably be the most complicated subject ever. at a first glance, its probably impossible to come up with a model to explain everyone's happiness levels.

the more i think about happiness, i more i think that i don't know about it. i feel that it is elusive...and mystical. or magical. that's why i asked why it isn't offered as a major in universities. maybe its covered in sociology/psychology? i don't know.

elusive? think about it. while you could obviously decide what makes you happy and go and do it now, would it still make you happy if you were to keep doing it? it seems like happiness exhibit what is called diminishing marginal returns in economics.

for me, playing computer games makes me really happy. but i can't do it all day(fortunately!). if you keep searching for happiness at the same thing, it gradually...leaves...for a while...until you go do something else...and come back the next day searching for it.

the same probably applies to...eating a favorite food...travelling...listening to music...WOW! i suddenly had a divine inspiration! before i share that with you, let me finish what i had in my mind.

during one of the lectures weeks back, my mind had left the lecture theatre to think about whether a person's total lifetime happiness is...fixed. strange thought, but it all began like that:

if i study hard now, i am probably delaying my present happiness for future happiness. if i don't, i am taking happiness from my future and spending it now. So whatever i choose, my total lifetime happiness is fixed.

i even considered the case of striking toto. if i struck toto tomorrow, like 4 million dollars, what happens? may i boldly suggest that it could be a case of taking happiness from my future and spending it now as well. of course i'd probably never convince you, but i have convinced myself. here's why.

immediately after being 4 million dollars richer, there are a few rational options i could choose. i could

a) spend it gradually
b) fixed deposit
c) invest
d) a & b / a & c, all 3

if i choose to (a), then my expectations would soar because of my purchasing ability. i would be instantly happy at a new house, a new car, new furniture, dining options, new branded guitar,(OH YEH)...but after a while the hype dies down.

i used to live in a 3 room flat in bendemeer, and i was thrilled to move into a much bigger house in sengkang, and have my own room, when i was 12 years old. in fact, its almost exactly a decade ago. but now, i don't experience that happiness when i step into this house. happiness had eluded me...because expectations have caught up.

i could imagine myself having sashimi and fresh oysters every other day...but as time goes by...i might have robbed myself of the happiness that i would get from eating all the good stuff if i had been poorer. my mother used to describe how happy she was to get a chicken drumstick for her birthday in those days.

although i could only live this life and experience this life, i heavily suspect that happiness isn't a certain level of luxury or...satisfaction. its a change in that level. because after you have stayed on a certain level...expectations catch up, and happiness leaves...until there is a change.

but yes, you tell me im crazy, because a multi billionare's son is definitely better than a impoverished kid living in hunger all day! yes, you're right... but im trying to say that although people have fixed total life happiness, different people have different amounts of it. however, i am compelled to think of this:

if that impoverished kid had some good food, clothes, he would be instantly happy. and then a home...then TV/entertainment...then a bigger home...then an even bigger home...at every change he would be much happier. but the same gifts to the rich man's son...he would feel...indifferent. it's like he can't be made happier...until he lowers his expectations. until he looks at the rest of the world...and realises how fortunately he is. i don't know. i am not a rich man's son, so i cannot tell...but you know what i mean.

so back to option (b) and (c), the same applies. they are like putting off current consumption for future consumption, although the interests do get eroded by year-on-year inflation, . investment could be tricky, so lets just say that there are risks involved which makes measuring happiness complicated.

the 'divine inspiration' that i mentioned before was suddenly having an image thrust onto me: an image of several people picking up money on the floor, and the amount of money is pretty much infinite. the first thought was, hey, when is it that someone would come to realisation, stand up, and leave the area? of course the answer would be somewhere in between "right away" and "forever", but...when? is money really the answer to happiness? it does seem, right now, but...what happens in the future?

the future...everyone cares a lot about the future. in fact, i believe that most people are constantly worried about the future...planning ahead, investing, saving...its rational, but...what if?...?!?. and when is it that we decide to stop? would we look back and regret? or not? im too young and ignorant to know.

i have written incoherently. but you probably get what im trying to say.