one hour ago, i was in the lift imagining i was dead. perhaps it could be liberating: the feeling of having all your worries laid to rest, the daily toil, the pursuit of the medium of exchanges, meeting expectations by yourself and from others, and then, it could be that easy; the experience of nothing.

as i exit the lift, i reminded myself that living is simply about being happy.

i just did my first reservice a week ago. it was nothing short of perfection. i exceeded myself. i did what i was there to do. i fought the good fight. i talked to my men. i encouraged them to excel in life, and at work. i discussed religion with my friends. i lent a listening ear to a friend who broke up from a one week relationship and couldn't get over it for a year. i felt invincible carrying lots of shit and walking and climbing. i replied strongly agree to the survey question of whether i was ready for war.

my friends outside the army laugh at me for taking my army training so seriously, but i just wanna be that guy who believes that he has a role to play in this vulnerable nation. and i feel good in the uniform. sometimes i feel that i should have signed on. when i was a decade old i dreamed of being a solider.

i want to the better man. i feel like getting better everyday. everyday i start from zero; i humble myself and start learning. but i have so many weaknesses. there are so many things i know that i have problems dealing with. and its all up there in my head.

Sin.

my friend said i needed God's grace.

if You really exist, then thank You for my friends. at least most of my Christian friends belong to those who are more sane, intelligent and logical; less of those nonsense people.

im still believing in myself. i don't see why God should help me. I should be content with my own life, being physically well and having no worry for food or shelter. my friend feels that Christianity isn't really a religion. he says a relationship with God. i feel that if i were to build this relationship in such times of (self-perceived) need, what different then would that make me from a person who befriends a rich and lonely man for free food and drink?

religion is really interesting. sometimes i feel that its almost imperative that religion would make a person give up his pursuit of everything he thought he was living for.

i discussed with my friend, if 2 million Singaporeans spent 2 hours on their religious pursuits per week, that's 4 million man hours. or 16 million man hours per month. and i must really wonder

how many good deeds, how much charity, how many lives could be saved, with

16,000,000 hours?

now that i think about it, if these hours were spent working, an average pay of 7 per hour would bring in more than a 100 million dollars per month.

i put forth the hypothesis that many religious people could be selfish, self-interested people, and they themselves are soaked in sin, for those who are godless and go around helping the less-privileged ones are the ones who are more enlightened; and only them deserve the reward of going to heaven, for they started out asking nothing in return, while the religious ones search for inner-peace, questing for perfection in self, and furthering their understanding in their respective religious manuals, are only interested in themselves.

of course the hypothesis was flawed; because people do get better from being religious, and religious organizations, they do good deeds. but nothing's so black and white. not everyone would do good to others. even me. and i believe that im not even trying my best, even though nowadays i barely have alone time to entertain myself.

nowadays i constantly ask myself about perfection. what constitutes perfection? what would be the perfect man? i'd imagine my friend telling me that nobody's perfect. and that's why Jesus sacrificed himself to... ...our sins. yeah. i don't know the exact words.

that's not a damn good answer isn't it. but it is absurd..? to think of a perfect person...a template? and then everyone agrees, a law is passed, and everyone just conforms to that template? that's absolute madness.

then i started wondering, what if the world is already...perfect as it is? or is it perfectly lacking in perfection; the other extreme, because it is in such flux and chaos?

recently i wondered if the perfect Human race...is to be perfectly selfish. i like to think on the extreme ends, so pardon me if this sounds crazy to you.

lets not forget how you and i have come into existence. it had been the survival of the fittest for probably thousands of years. your existence hinges on the fact that your ancestors either outsmarted his counterparts, or somehow outlived them, surviving mother nature's selection process when those who failed Her test had died from disease when there were no doctors, or from hunger, or from the heat or cold.

what if - what if our brain structure enabled us to be more selfish than what we are now, to the extent that our brains do not have the capacity to care for others aside from our immediate family members, exist in our brains - and our race, our genes, managed to persist till this day.

for starters, maybe i wouldn't have existed.

but those that do, wouldn't they be much, much stronger, and intelligent? for they are the ones who are self-sufficient - they don't seek help, they don't need it: they work for their own survival. they can handle their own problems, because it is in their genes, for only these have managed to survive. in this world, there are no charity organisations, there are no homes and orphanages. those who have to depend on others, die. those who can depend on themselves, live. perfection. and madness.

now back to our world. maybe this is the true perfection. a mix of selfish and un-selfishness. some compassion. some love.

i highly doubt that a planet inhabited by a race that is perfectly un-selfish would be perfect. humans see little motivation to work hard, seeing that his counterparts wouldn't leave him to die despite his laziness. lazy genes survive. technological progress would stall.

maybe perfection is just a matter of perception.

tomorrow i wake up again, trying to be a better man.